Everyone has a story. In fact, our life experiences influence who we are today. One of my goals for my blog is to share more of my personal experiences and relay how these opportunities have shaped my perspective on nutrition, health, fitness, and faith. It is my hope that what I share will be a source of encouragement to you!
What does food mean to you? For some, food is simply a way to stay nourished, but for others food carries a deeper significance. Perhaps food consumes a great deal of your mental space, maybe even to the point where you are limited to live your life without daily food worry. Or, perhaps your friends and family members have told you that food is your obsession, but you believe your food rules show your self-discipline as a person. In our culture that idolizes physical attractiveness, it is very easy for food to become out of context - it did for me for many years.
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If you asked me to describe my upbringing in one word, I would probably choose “well-rounded”. My parents exposed me to a variety of activities: summer swim team, soccer, basketball, violin and clarinet lessons. Even though I was dedicated to the activities I dabbled in, I never really excelled in any of them. Deep down inside, I wanted to have the reputation of being an accomplished athlete, but this didn’t happen during my childhood. When high school came, my instinct to prove my athletic prowess became more urgent. As a freshman and sophomore, I participated in basketball in the fall, swim team in the winter, and track in the spring. At the start of my Junior year, I set a goal to qualify for the State track meet in the mile (1600 meters) by my Senior year, so I replaced basketball with cross country, while running extra mileage after practice and doing strength training on my own to become a faster runner. Despite my efforts, I only qualified for the Regional meet, falling short of my goal.
The bitter taste of not achieving my athletic goal in high school stuck with me, so my determination to change that became a burning ambition in college. After realizing that I simply was not fast enough to be competitive on the NCAA running scene, I signed up for my first ultramarathon as part of an elective Advanced Running Course. The more I prepared for the 50-kilometer race (31 miles), the more distorted my outlook on food became. I thought I needed to diet in order to be a successful runner, something I had never done before.
One of my food rules included not allowing myself to eat my favorite PowerBar flavor (Oatmeal Raisin) because it contained 3.5 grams of fat. Instead, I would make myself eat the Chocolate flavor instead because it "only" contained 3 grams of fat.
During the following two years, I competed in three 50-kilometer races and one 50-mile ultramarathon (Mountain Masochist). My self-led training plan usually consisted of 2-3 hours of exercise (while being a full-time student), in conjunction with limiting my food intake. Food was constantly on my mind and my perpetual restriction quickly started including periodic binges. When my biological instincts became stronger than my self-induced dieting rules, I would eat everything I had in my dorm room: a quart of Light ’n Fit yogurt, multiple slices of low calorie high-fiber bread, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and protein bars. To compensate, I would restructure my day so I could exercise for hours on end - even if it meant from midnight until 3 AM! Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize these overeating episodes were perpetuated by continuing to deny myself of daily proper nourishment. I falsely interpreted my binges as a sign of needing to be stricter on what I allowed myself to eat. I thought micromanaging my food would help me feel more accomplished, more fulfilled. However, the more I dieted, the less satisfied I felt with my life. I was always striving to prove my self-worth by losing more weight.
After my 2nd ultramarathon race.
Food no longer was just food. It was a trap - an addiction - and it controlled my life. As long as I obeyed my “food rules”, I felt at peace. My rituals served as a false religion. Subconsciously, I made myself in “right standing” by obeying my foolish food rules, but whenever I strayed from my diet plan, I would feel “at war” with myself. Instead of living a life of freedom in Truth, I selfishly trusted in my temporary willpower to make myself feel better by following my self-made diet plan (or so I thought). It is very easy to fall into the belief that micromanaging your food intake will lead to beauty, control, success, power, acceptance, or feeling “clean”. Unfortunately, dieting and food restriction very often leads to guilt, shame, bondage, and reduced self-trust with food.
Even though my energy was low and my thoughts were consumed with food and exercise, I was in denial that I had an eating problem and needed professional help.
Perhaps you can relate to my story with your current outlook on food. Maybe your food beliefs have become so entrenched that you aren’t able to live a fulfilling, flexible life. On one hand, you want to have more freedom around your food choices, but on the other hand, you feel that if you let go of your food rigidity, you will gain weight and fear of the unknown creeps in. Disordered eating is a very slippery slope, and left to yourself, freedom from dysfunctional eating patterns is unlikely. If you don’t know where to start, please contact me, so I can help you get started on the road to recovering your outlook on food and wellness!
Stay tuned to read more of my story...
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